I understand that the following testimony is terribly long but I encourage you to stay with it as it will bring hope.
Bipolar Disorder. What a nice and neat title for such a challenging and destructive disease. I am either one way or another. That’s how life is as a Bipolar. I was hit with this challenge at 16 years old. I was adopted and later found out that my sister and my mother also suffered. I am 47 years old now so let’s suffice to say, I have been through IT! Married at 16 to a great guy who just wanted to love me was too much to bear through all the self loathing and I left him and my baby when I was 21. I knew I had purpose and I didn’t need anyone or anything because I could change the world, build a city all by myself. Anyone that suffers from or has suffered from “Manic Depression” understands exactly what I am saying when I say “Let us go and build a city in a day.” The “manic” part of this disorder can really fool you into thinking some pretty weird things about who you are. I loved my son deeply but I could not care for him any longer. The “depressive” part of the disease causes you think that you have no business trying to raise a child and so the cycle goes. I was a rapid cycler so my days were never certain. The only certainty I had was the fact that nothing was going to get accomplished, not really anyway. I had a lot of ambition, a lot of drive and a lot of vision but no way to put it all together and make it happen. I knew I was here for a reason. I just didn’t know what. I spent the next several years from one bad relationship after another sinking further in to the abyss of uncertainty, drugs, alcohol, prostitution, homosexuality, witchcraft and hopelessness. I spent more than my fair share of time in mental wards and being the guinea pig for every “new” drug, natural and otherwise. I kept slipping in to a black hole and each time finding it more difficult to climb out. Each time the top of the hole was just a bit farther than the last time I had fallen in. Three failed attempts at suicide only proved to me that much more that there was a reason for my existence still not knowing what that would be. I went on to marry two more times screaming at each husband as if they had interrupted my destiny with their existence. I put the cereal in the refrigerator and the milk in the cupboard and yelled because they found that I was a bit odd. I went on to give birth to another son in hopes that I could somehow “make up” for my loss and prove that motherhood was the one thing I could accomplish.
When my youngest son was 6, I heard the voice of the Lord speak to me in my darkness and bring me to salvation. Of all the voices and “experiences” I had had, this was the one that was all too real because instead of touching my mind, it changed my heart. I learned that “Bipolar” was only a disorder and I needed God to bring “order” to it and to me. If I was destined to perceive life from a tunnel in the abyss, I needed my best friend and Lord to show me how. Each time I fell down the rabbit hole after that, I knew that no matter how long I was down there and how many times I heard the voice to kill myself and the voices of hopelessness, I also heard my heart say, “Every thing is going to be okay.” That still small voice within that transcends all reason is the one I had learned to listen to. When all hell is breaking loose around you, that still, soft and quiet voice brings peace amidst the storm. After awhile you learn to just be still. I continued to take my medication and follow my diet of Word, Word, Word. The hunger of His presence can replace all other hunger. I finally rested.
In September of 2004 I had come to the end of my life. At approximately mid afternoon on the 30th after taking my medication, I lay down in my room to take a nap. The next thing I remember was being taken away in an ambulance and after that slipping away into unconsciousness in the ER. For the next 3 days, I heard screams of anguish and threats of death. I felt fear and death surround me and resolved in my heart that my life was over and I was going home. My Father was going to finally bring me home. I thought of my 2 sons and how God had kept them in the midst of turmoil and how He was going to continue to keep them and I thought of the ministry I had done through all of the obstacles and now that was over and I had apparently done what I was called to do so I was ready to go home. I was tired anyway.
On the 3rd day of my ICU stay, I heard the still small voice I had come to trust once again saying “Everything is going to be alright.” An overwhelming peace entered my room and I woke up. I heard nothing at that point except the wonderful sound of nothing. It was for the first time in my life, quiet. I had not walked in 2 years as my physical weight had surpassed my ability to carry it and this day, I sat up. By October 3rd, I was ready to go home and never look at another hospital as long as I lived. I didn’t exactly know what had changed but I knew something had. From that moment to this, I have not had to take any Paxil or Wellbutrin or Neurontin or Valium or Seroquil or Lithium or…I am sure you know where I am going with this. I have not had to take anything! All of my medication is somewhere absorbed by the local chemical treatment plant serving my area as I flushed them all last October. I flushed them because it was time. Not because I said it was time but because it was God’s time.
Please do not flush your meds unless our Lord says its time and not until then. I flushed my meds before only to fall in the rabbit hole again. You will know that you know because the fog that has clouded your thinking process will lift. It will not be false sense of security or “cloud lifting” if you will. You will know in your heart. Wait for the still small voice. It is the voice from your heart not from your head.
In this past year I have learned to walk a line of balance. It is a daily process and one taken one step at a time. My recovery has been a process of steps. Each day brings a victory and when I am confused, I wait and listen. Confusion does not come from God. My life has order now. At first it’s frightening because all of the highs and lows are gone and after years of one way or the other, the feeling of “waiting for the other shoe to drop” takes time to subside but it does happen. I am married to my first husband again and we are happy. He waited for me because God told him I would come home again. Our sons were our witnesses at our marriage. Yes, I did say son’s because my first husband is also my youngest sons’ father. He was the son I had to prove my motherhood and instead God used him to prove His love for me. I guess I always knew Gary and I were meant to be. I just didn’t know how to be a wife and thank God Gary didn’t know how to let go and neither did Jesus. He said “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
I don’t know the full purpose of my life but for now maybe it is just to bring hope to you. God loves you and sent His son to save us and after saving us sent His Holy Spirit to comfort, protect, provide, teach, guide and encourage us. Him, the Holy Spirit through us, we encourage one another. I love you all and encourage you in the name of Jesus and send hope to you that sooner or later, this too shall pass. If He tarries and on your deathbed He should wait, know this, it will pass.
Love, your sister In Christ,
Lauri
PS. Please stop listening to those that tell you your faith is not big enough because sometimes the greater faith lies in the waiting.
10/27/2005